


All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye

by Sorcie



Series: Our Hearts On Our Sleeves [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Makeup Sex, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Passion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-22 16:24:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17063057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sorcie/pseuds/Sorcie
Summary: Inspired by Lyrics of the John Mayer SongJyn broke Cassian's heart, will he let her back in?  Will she break it again?





	1. Just When I Had You Off My Head

**Author's Note:**

> This little thing just popped into my head when I heard this song tonight. It wouldn't go away.
> 
> playlist on Spotify: spotify:user:1210477434:playlist:2oNK0pTwHGskIyLpJmIow0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unhappy anniversary. A phone call. Lots of pain.

_Just when I had you off my head_  
Your voice comes thrashing wildly through my quiet bed  
You say you wanna try again  
But I've tried everything but giving in

_Why you wanna break my heart again  
Why am I gonna let you try_

_When all we ever do is say goodbye  
All we ever do is say goodbye_

 

          

 

 

It had been a year.  One year since Jyn had walked out of his life and shattered him.  He had not intended on drinking an entire bottle of Mezcal, it just happened.  He laid there in bed, seeing her face and hearing her voice like she was right next to him.  When he closed his eyes, he could almost feel her breath on his ear. 

 

He didn’t understand why she left.  He thought they were happy, they had their moments, but everyone did.  Then one day he came home, and she was gone.

 

Cassian was almost asleep when his phone rang.  He fumbled with it to see who was calling.  ‘Restricted’.  He answered it.

 

 

“Cass?” It was Jyn, her voice sounded shaky, “did I wake you up?”

 

 

He didn’t know if he was sober enough to talk to her.  He sat up and brushed his hand across his face.  “No, no, it’s ok, I wasn’t asleep.  Are you ok?”

 

“It’s been a year.”

 

“Yeah, I know, how could I forget?”

 

She held back a whimper, “I know, it was awful.  I – I don’t know why I left like that, I’m – I’m sorry Cass,” she cried into the phone, “I’m sorry I called.  I was just sitting here, remembering the horrible way I left.”

 

 

Cassian was thankful for the liquor running through his veins, it gave him the courage to speak what he felt in that moment, “I came home, and you were gone.  No note, no nothing.  I called, texted, not a word from you.  For a whole year Jyn.  Why? Why now?  I was just starting to… forget.”

 

 

Jyn sniffled into the phone, “I know, it’s the most horrible thing I’ve ever done to anyone.  I called because I can’t go one more day without telling you how much I regret leaving you that way, for leaving you at all.  I miss you, I miss you so much it hur – hurts.”

 

He shook his head in disbelief.  _He_ was the one hurting.  But what she said gave him hope.  She missed him.  He missed her too.  He tried to gather his thoughts, was he really thinking of forgiving her and giving her another chance?  He wanted to.  He wanted her here in his bed.

 

 

“Cass?  Cassian? Are you there?”

 

 

“Yeah, I’m here.  And I miss you too Jyn.”

 

 

“You do?  Really?”

 

 

He laid back down on the bed and put his hand over his eyes, “I can’t help it, you’re in my head.  Just when I think you’re out, you’re back in again.” 

 

 

“Oh Cass, I never thought I’d hear those words from you, especially tonight.”  She smiled for the first time in weeks.

 

 

He sat up, “Give me a reason.”

 

 

“What?”

 

 

“Give me a reason to open my heart to you again.  If you give me a good reason, I’ll drive over right now.”

 

 

“There’s only one.  I still love you.  I never stopped.  I hope you still love me too.” 

 

She heard the phone hitting the floor and what she thought were keys and a door slam.

 

“Cass?  Are you there, Cass?”

 

 

 

 


	2. I'll Be Your Safety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn hears a knock at the door knowing full well who is there. But what happens next, she didn't expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so this happened. It's my first love/slightly smutty scene so let me know what you think. I need constructive criticism here. 
> 
> Like all writers, I get a little self conscious when stepping outside of my box.
> 
> Thank you all of you lovely readers!

__

__

__

 

 

 _Yeah, I've been feeling everything_  
From hate to love  
From love to lust  
From lust to truth  
I guess that's how I know you  
So I hold you close to help you give it up

_So, kiss me like you wanna be loved_

 

 

There was a knock at the door.  She didn’t need to peak to know who it was.  This was happening.  Good or bad, Cassian was on the other side of that door and this was her opportunity to right the wrong.

 

She opened the door and there he stood, in his blue and grey plaid pajama pants and dark blue hoodie.  His hair was going in every direction, a look that Jyn had decided, a long time ago, looked good on him.  It was cold, but he didn’t feel it.

 

 

“I thought you were drunk?” she said in a joking tone.

 

 

He scoffed, “I was, something you said sobered me up.”

 

 

“What was that?”

 

 

“Something between when you first said my name and I still love you.”

 

 

She clung to the door, hanging on it like it was holding her up, “I _do,_ you know, and I’m ready to tell you everything, if you’ll listen.  If you’ll just listen, I hope you might love me again, like before.  I want to – “

 

 

“I forgive you Jyn.  It doesn’t matter why you left.  I love you and I forgive you.  I’m pretty sure it takes two people to screw things up, so I know I had a part in this too.”

 

 

“Cassia-, “

 

 

Not letting her even start a sentence, he was through the door and kissing her.  He took her face in one hand, pulled her close with the other and just kissed her slow, deep and hard, like if he stopped, she would disappear. 

 

Jyn crept her arms up and around his neck and he pressed her even closer.  When they came up for air, Jyn’s eyes were closed and filled with tears.

 

She kept her eyes closed and touched her forehead to his, squeezing her eyes tighter, pushing more tears out.  “Cassian, no.  I don’t – you can’t – I need to tell you first.”

 

 

“Jyn, just – let me love you.  I knew there was something, that you didn’t just walk away.  What you have to say must be hard.  I want you to _feel_ loved before you bear your soul.  Come on…”  He moved his hands down her arms and laced his fingers with hers, then led her to the bedroom.

 

They stood at the foot of the bed and he pulled her into another kiss.  A more passionate one this time.  His hands made their way to the buttons of the flannel shirt she wore.  One of his old ones.  She must have put it on amid her misery tonight.

 

The moon shined through one of her windows and he could see her face in it’s light.  She was a little bit of a mess, mascara under the eyes, her usual bun hanging on for dear life, bangs mangled on her forehead.  But somehow, she was more beautiful than ever.

 

As he unbuttoned ~~her~~ his shirt, her hands made their way to his chest under his hoodie.  He removed the shirt and she pulled the hoodie over his head.  Nothing had changed in the past year with their bodies, she was pert and perfect, and he was still just muscular enough to feel strong when she ran her hands across his chest. 

 

He picked her up and placed her on the bed, then knelt, hovering over her while he kissed her.  “I missed you, I missed this,” he said in between kisses.  “You’re so beautiful, Jyn.  I never said it enough or worshiped you the way you deserve.”

 

His hands found her breasts, they were so soft, and her nipples hardened under his touch.  He moved down her body, kissing his way to her hips. 

 

The only article of clothing left on her was her panties and he mouthed at her center through the moist fabric.  Jyn let out a gasp of pleasure when he did that.  He wondered how many lovers she had while they were apart.  The only relationship he had the past year was with his right hand.  Getting involved or even sleeping with anyone didn’t feel right.  He hoped it was the same for Jyn, but he couldn’t expect that of her.

 

Sex was something they never got wrong.  Their bad sex was good sex.  He knew he was moving fast tonight, but they always had a certain short hand between them that needed little verbal communication.  He knew if she wasn’t ready, she would make it known.  Although, she objected in the beginning, so he made sure she was ok with this.

 

“Querida, is this ok?  I’m not forcing you, am I?  If you don’t want to, we can stop.”

 

She answered in an instant, “Don’t quit on me now. I want this - you. I feel I don’t deserve this is all.  I don’t deserve you.”

 

“Don’t say that about yourself, it’s no wonder you believe it.  Tonight is not about what you or I deserve, if that makes you feel any better.  It’s just about us expressing ourselves to each other.  When we exhaust ourselves, we’ll talk things out, when you’re ready.”

 

Without waiting for her response, he went down on her.  In one swoop, her panties were on the floor and he was worshiping her with his mouth.

 

It _had_ been a while for Jyn.  There was one time she came close to having a physical relationship with someone in the past year, but she was so filled with guilt over Cassian, she couldn’t go through with it.  Now she was in pure heaven.  She did _not_ expect to be here when she picked up the phone tonight.  But she would not complain, and she would make it up to him for the rest of her life if she had to, she thought.  This man was a keeper - “Oh, Ca – Cas-sian,” her vision went white, she could hear soft words in Spanish in her ear, then his mouth on her neck.

 

“Good?” he said in a teasing tone.

 

Her vision returned and all she could see was a very pleased with himself Cassian smiling down at her.

 

“Um, someone is a little too pleased with himself…I’ll show you good!”  She flipped him onto his back and had him inside her in a flash.  He didn’t know what hit him.

 

“Dios mio Jyn, you’re gonna be the death of me.”

 

“It’s your turn, enjoy it.”

 

And here Cassian was worried about pushing this on her.  She had always been a little sex kitten.  She was riding him like a professional cowgirl.

 

Gasping for air he said, “you never disappoint, mi estrella, you keep this up and I will not last long.”   

 

She was getting out of breath also but answered him, “I’m going for intensity and passion rather then longevity.  You have a problem with that?”

 

“eres tan hermosa cuando me follas mi amor.”

 

She let out a gentle laugh, “I’ll take that as a no since what you said was in Spanish and I’m assuming was completely filthy.”

 

He answered her with a deep kiss and flipped her on her back.

 

Cassian could feel his climax approaching and Jyn was close too.  They counted themselves lucky that they were the sort of couple who climaxed together, and tonight, it would be no different.

 

Minutes later, as they lay in a heaving, sweaty mess, Jyn reached over to her night stand for the bottle of water that had been sitting there taunting her for a while.  She took a sip and offered some to Cassian.  He took some as well and handed the bottle back.  He was still on top of her, kissing her neck, speaking loving Spanish words to her.

 

“Cass?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Sleep now? Talk later?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Not wanting to be too far away from her, he rolled onto his back and brought her with him.  She snuggled into his chest and drifted off to sleep.  Cassian stayed awake a few moments more thinking to himself that the Mezcal wore of hours ago, and he felt happy.  Now he hoped it wasn’t a dream. 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The background music that helped me write tonight was Ed Sheeran's "Kiss Me".  
>   
> playlist on Spotify: spotify:user:1210477434:playlist:2oNK0pTwHGskIyLpJmIow0
> 
> Easter Egg... I'm putting the songs in order, so to give you a hint of what's coming up, just listen to the songs after this chapter, you might just get a clue. Song list subject to change.
> 
> Cassian's filthy line:  
> eres tan hermosa cuando me follas mi amor =  
> you are so beautiful when you fuck me my love
> 
> Blame Google Translate if it's wrong! ;)


	3. See Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jyn opens up to Cassian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two songs are the inspiration for this chapter. The first one is our opening quote:  
> "See Again" by Scott Middough  
> and  
> Happy & Sad by Kacey Musgraves
> 
> Our Hearts On Our Sleeves Series Playlist on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/1210477434/playlist/2oNK0pTwHGskIyLpJmIow0?si=Uj7wNU__ST-qgQnBJeF7mg

 

____

 

 

_Why must it take, so much time to forget_

_They say live with no regrets_

_And I wonder if I’ll make it through the night_

_A way from all the shadows_

_The_ _fall of my demise_

_The_ _truth is in the hand you show_

_The_ _hand you show gives way to all the lies_

_I wanna fall another way_

_I wanna see another day_

_Oh yes, I will fall, oh yes, I will see…again._

 

 

Jyn laid there listening to Cassian breathe while he slept.  Wrapped around her, and resting his head on her chest like he was listening to her heart, she leaned down and kissed his head, then ran her fingers through his hair.  He sighed and wrapped his arms around her tighter. 

 

‘If only life was this simple’, she thought.  They never seemed to have problems when they were in bed.  Anxiety swelled in her chest when she thought about the conversation ahead.  She knew beautiful things are said in the heat of the moment, but would he forgive her when she told him?

 

She looked up at the ceiling, tears filled her eyes and she had to hold back a whimper.  The tension in her chest must have woken Cassian.  He rose to look her in the eye, “querida, talk to me.  There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

 

The tears got bigger and she openly cried now, “I have so much to tell you, but I don’t want to burst this bubble we’re in.”

 

He sat upright and pulled her with him, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her head to his chest, “This isn’t a bubble that can be broken.  We’re going to talk to each other from now on and not run away ok?”

 

“I want that, I really do, and if anyone is going to mess it up, it’s me.”

 

“Jyn,”

 

“No, listen Cass, I’m so messed up.  I don’t think I know how to be happy.  I have so much emotional baggage.  I know it will interfere.  But when I look at us, how we are – were, I mean, we were happy, right?  No major problems?”

 

“I thought we were.  We had disagreements, but doesn’t everybody?”

 

“So I’m told.”  She hesitated, then continued, “You see, I’ve been seeing someone.”

 

The look on his face made her realize she had to explain that statement, “No, no it’s not that.  I’ve been seeing - a therapist; it’s a good thing, I needed an outsider’s perspective on things.” 

 

He wasn’t sure how to react, he didn’t want to say the wrong thing and shut her down, so he chose his words carefully, “I know sharing all of these things is a big step for you.  I’m sure talking to someone about it was hard, but you seem…better for it.  How can I reject you for that, for opening up?  Nobody’s perfect, least of all me.  I know you don’t know everything about me either.  If it makes you feel better, for every secret you tell me, I’ll confess one in return.”

 

Jyn laughed at that and faced him, “I don’t need you to do that, although I’d love to hear dirt on you, I can’t imagine what you’re hiding.”

 

He brushed the hair in front of her eyes away and cupped her chin, “You have no idea.”

 

 

“But Cass, I have a long way to go.  And I’m still not convinced I can do this – us.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you again, but I’m so scared that I will mess this up.”

 

“We need to be open and honest with each other.  Leaving can’t be an option.  That will help.”

 

“You’re right, I know, it sounds right, like it would work.  But my brain has a hard time believing it.  I need to share some things with you.  Some you’ve probably already guessed at.  But some, some things I don’t know if I want any other human being to know about me.  If we’re going to make this work, I think you _need_ to know.  You’ll understand me better, and I won’t be able to pull away from you so easily.  But I’m afraid that you’ll reject me when I tell you.  I’ve done some terrible things, I’m not always nice Cass.  Do you get what I’m saying?”

 

 

“I do, and I want to know.  Talk to me.”

 

 

 

There was silence for a few minutes.

 

 

 

“I _am_ better, by the way, but I have a long way to go.  I wouldn’t have been able to pick up the phone last night if I hadn’t been talking things out with my therapist.”

 

“I’m thankful for that, it brought you back to me,” he pulled her into a hug, pressing her head into his neck.  He kissed the side of her head and trailed it down behind her ear and to her neck.  Then he kissed her jaw, making his way to her lips.  Both hands were on either side of her face and he looked into her eyes.

 

“Do you know what I see in your eyes right now?”

 

“What?”

 

“Honesty,” he kissed her a few times and pressed his head to hers.  They stayed like that for a while.

 

Finally, she spoke.

 

“I pushed my mother away.  I was so angry at her for being sick and not taking care of herself that I pushed her away.  We spent the last year of her life estranged because I was angry, and her feelings were hurt.  I wouldn’t even let her live in the same town I lived in.  Who does that?  My mother was sick, she was dying, and I rejected her because of it.  Who does that, Cassian?”

 

“Jyn, people grieve and deal with pain in different ways.”

 

She looked at him in the eyes, “Please, don’t make excuses for me, just listen. OK?”

 

He looked downward, then straight into her eyes, “I’m sorry, OK.  I’ll just listen.”

 

Jyn took a deep breath, she started it, that was the hard part, there was more, a lot more, so she continued, “My father left before she died.  He knew she was dying, and he just left her and returned to work.  He abandoned us both, left me to hold her hand and help her through the pain.  I don’t think I can forgive him for that, ever.”

 

She sat silent for a few minutes, staring straight ahead.  Cassian just sat there, holding her, drawing circles on her arm, letting her know he was there, listening.

 

“She had some insurance policies, it turned out she left everything to me.  Papa had so many bills and I just kept it all.  I got on my feet financially with that money after taking care of my mom for years.  I think that’s what she intended it for.  But I was so angry at my father I didn’t even offer to help him, I let him struggle on his own.  And now, I won’t take care of him like I did her.  I can’t be that vulnerable again.  Especially for that bastard that let the woman, who was supposed to be the love of his life, die without him at her side,” she choked on the last few words, “that rat bastard.”

 

Holding her tighter, he just said, “Oh, Jyn, I’m so sorry.”

 

“No Cassian, you don’t understand, my mother gave him everything, she wasn’t a saint, but she was so good to him.  And he still abandoned her.  I’m, I’m nothing compared to her.  _She_ left me, _he_ left me, everybody leaves, you will _too_ , eventually.  I can’t let myself be that vulnerable.  Or at least that’s what my depression brain tells me.  So, I leave.  I hurt first.  I was like my mother for a long time and look where it got me.  They left me.  So now, I’m like my father, I leave so it doesn’t hurt.  That’s what I’m learning.  I don’t trust happiness.  The bottom always falls out.  The moment I’m happy, sadness isn’t far behind.  Now, I’m both happy and sad, waiting for the shoe to drop.  Even after last night, I feel that way.  That’s it, that’s the readers digest version of why I left you.  Do you really want this in your life?  The constant doubt, depression, self-deprecation, insecurity?  Do you get it now?   That’s why I left, to spare us both the pain of what would eventually happen.  I don’t want this for you, and I can’t be left by another person I love.  I could have lied to you and just let you hate me, but you don’t deserve that, you deserve none of this.”

 

Cassian let a few minutes go by before he responded.

 

“Am I allowed to speak now?”

 

“Yes, please, I’m ready for what you have to say, no matter what it is.”

 

He took a deep breath and put his hands on either side of her face, looking at her in the eye he said, “What _you_ see as bad behavior, I see a person who was reacting to an impossible situation.  You had no support, no one to help you figure out your feelings or what this all meant.  I’m not your father, I’m here for you, all the way.  Now that I know your story, my reactions to you will be different. ”

 

“Cass, I – want to believe you.”

 

“Jyn, good-bye is not the answer.  I’m asking you to be vulnerable with me.  Trust me.  I won’t leave you.  I don’t think I could handle being apart from you again, to be honest.”

 

Tears streamed down her face.  “Awe, querida, please, don’t cry, I’m here,” he pulled her close and hugged her tight.

 

For Jyn, she felt relief.  There was still a part of her that didn’t trust it though, but she thought maybe she was willing to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a little raw for me. Some of it came from a real place.

**Author's Note:**

> playlist on Spotify: spotify:user:1210477434:playlist:2oNK0pTwHGskIyLpJmIow0
> 
> Not sure which direction this is gonna go, but I have a little more for this particular situation. I'm open to suggestions so hit me up in the comments or Tumblr. (yeah, I'm still there) @sorcie77


End file.
